It Depends on the Sky
Just before I scrambled out the door to work yesterday, my husband asked if I’d be coming straight home from work that night. I told him seriously, “It depends on the sky.” His puzzled look said it all.
Figuring I should clarify what seemed to me an entirely reasonable response, I added, “I mean that if the sky is clear and I can see the ice on the paths, I’m coming home to run. If it’s gray and ugly, I’m going to stop for groceries on the way home.” There. That fixed it for me. He, however, couldn’t wipe that amused look off his face. (“Uh huh–she’s a fruit loop.”)
I knew as I drove to work just how ridiculous that statement sounded to him, but it made me realize how far I’d come in a couple years. “It depends on the sky” is a completely fine Holly approach. For one thing, did I need to explain that part of my decision to run depended on if the sky was irresistible or not? Winter skies have been pretty dazzling this year–partial cloudcover is especially beneficial at sunrise and sunset. When those opals and jewels are multiplied by ice (preferably not under my feet) and the river, they are, yes, irresistible to me. Pardon my addiction.
As a person who organically views her life as a map and thrives on multiple to-do lists, it’s been an accomplishment for me to become way more loosey-goosey about this scheduling stuff. Sure, things have to be done on certain days, and there is never time for everything in my life. It’s not necessarily bad to have so many things I want to do that I could fill several lifetimes. That’s just lust for life. Rigidity, however, is a problem. I used to try to fit in everything I had written down as if they were commands, even if it meant staying up way too late or not spending time just being with my kids. Oh, the regret…I did a lot with my kids, but I could have just hung out a whole lot more instead of ticking things off the to-do list. Maybe I am a casualty of the insane American drive for busyness and accomplishment? I’ve learned to take care of what must be done each day, and then everything else on the to-do list is a candidate. Many of those candidates are now “woods,” “read,” “collect music” (iTunes, baby!), or even “yoga/meditate,” instead of 7PM: clean hallway closet. 8PM: replant aloe. What was wrong with me, anyway? I felt like I had to fill every minute with productivity. Part of that came from the experience of having a shift-working husband–if he had to work at all hours, so should I! That was wrong. Looking back, I can see why this kind of scheduling made my stomach twist. I now move my mobile, to-do Post-It to the next day or month with ease–only minor gut wrench involved (still learning). LIVE is #1 on the mental list.
My next move in any day is often up in the air. I often pray first–So what’s next, God?–or I take a look at the sky. Much better.
The rest of Enlightening Friday: When I got to work, I was curious about a chill song that I love dearly, called “Amor Fati.” What does “amor fati” mean? The best I could conjure up is “love of the father.” I Googled it and found that it means “love of fate”–how appropriate! Something else I’ve slowly adopted that meshes with loosey-gooseyness! It’s a philosophy of accepting all things in one’s life, good or bad, as having been (or being) necessary and crucial. Looking back at the map of my life (and the maps of my children’s lives), I see more clearly how things tie together and lead to the next step. Looking forward, I can never anticipate where life will lead–nor should I bother. It’s best just to watch it unfold.
(not my favorite video, but I love the music…)
rebuildingholly 