And What Exactly Were You Expecting?!!

Still pondering the whole bouncing kids deal–you know, kids being home, leaving home, coming back home, and eventually leaving for good.  As I mentioned before, it breaks my heart every time they leave.  A part of me even wishes they’d just stay away (aside from short visits), just to save me the heartache.  But no…it’s a good heartache.  Sometimes love provides the right kind of hurt.

So what was I expecting?  Really, nothing at first.  Waaaay back in the beginning, it was more of a lust deal and a guess-the-time-is-alright-if-kids-happen deal and…probably shouldn’t go back to conception, though, right?  So we had kids, like all of you did.  Maternal hormones spun around this ambitious girl who hadn’t really considered the undertaking fully.  I’d been concerned only with continuing on with my education to get my master’s degree in psychology.  Amazingly, it appears that I got pregnant the night of my college graduation, in fact (now how would that ever happen?!!).  However, hormones are mysterious, ancient forces one should not underestimate.  By the time I was fully enjoying the nausea, I was also swearing that I was going to raise that child, and I would do it alone, and no one would take that privilege away from me!  Gawdammit.

And so I did, or we did–my husband and I had been married for around five years when our son joined us.  Twenty-three months later, the future Bostonian was born into the family as well.

And what did I expect after those fuzzy-headed babies started to grow?  Kids who would not be perfect, because my husband and I are not perfect.  How could I expect something from them that we are not?  Kids who had their own interests and goals in life, and did not exist to fulfill my dreams or my husband’s dreams.  People who would handle the joys and disappointments in life as fully and bravely as they could–it was our responsibility to guide them toward that (because life is never easy or predictable or stable for long).  People who would make the most of their one shot at life, maybe better than I have made the most of mine (*ahem* let me insert here that I’m not fricken dead yet).

And what did I get?  Kids who are fully alive and pursuing their dreams as they should.  I guess that part went well.  I comfort myself by thinking of our American ancestors who left their homelands and said goodbye forever to their parents.  That would not only break a heart, it would crush it to bits.  And today we have technology.  By the time I’m a few miles away from my kids, there are bound to be texts, which make the separation strangely more bearable.

But for now, Interstate 90 is the ribbon that binds me to her.  And from time to time, I have to send my love in a box.

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~ by rebuildingholly on August 9, 2013.

6 Responses to “And What Exactly Were You Expecting?!!”

  1. This is an interesting time. My oldest (29) has been living with us for a few months before leaving for Thailand for a year. My youngest (26) has recently moved back from LA. Weird overlap of 1 month.

    • It’s an interesting time for a lot of us! It’s so hard for these graduates/young adults to find jobs. I know more people in their 20s who have bounced back home than have moved on seamlessly. It takes time…Thailand, though? That’s a long leap! (but an interesting one). And you mention L.A., which is the ultimate goal of my oldest. Enjoy the weirdness! Soon you’ll be visiting them…

      • Already been to LA to visit. Planning to hit Thailand in Feb. what’s the point of having family abroad if you can’t shack up for 2weeks! 🙂

      • Exactly! Get those kids to good travel destinations and move yourself near an airport. That may be my future as well–one in Boston (adore that city) and one in L.A. 2 weeks may be too short!

  2. I remember those times well, my daughter goes to college but I swear we were clairvoyantly connected. My son joins the Marines, I was so scared, it consumed me.

    • “Clairvoyantly connected”–I love that description! Sometimes it’s hard to describe that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t say my daughter and I are best friends–“friends” isn’t quite accurate–but we would do something together every day she was home…for years! Usually the evening bike ride. Her departure marked the departure of my social life. Gotta work on that. And you mention fear. It’s hard to cut off those parental worries, isn’t it? Consuming is another good choice of words. (You do know you’re an artist with words, don’t you?!! BTW Bony Dude says hello 🙂 )

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