And then there are the days that make you hate yourself

Bet that got your attention!  I’m usually not filled with self-loathing, but today was rough.  For better or worse, I landed a couple other important document-writing gigs in the qorp (noobs, refer to the glossary).  I enjoy the writing, but I don’t enjoy the quick turnaround (two days for one, a week to complete a printed document for the second), and mostly, the way the rest of the work I’m expected to do piles up around me.  The latter just makes my skin crawl.  I need blinders.

No, worst of all was the fact that I had to do something I never wanted to do–inform someone that we really couldn’t keep her.  My own supervisor said she could call or e-mail the news, but I think this kind of thing deserves face-to-face conversation.  Since this is someone I supervise, that’s my responsibility.  Sounds like I’m cleansing this, right?  She’s been reporting to me for several months now, but I know she needs and has been searching for a full-time job.  She’s had at least one other opportunity, and while I was away, she received another and took it.  So…she’s working four hours a day each at two other jobs (in the transition), raising a baby and a toddler, and asking us to provide her with the equivalent of only two hours’ work each week, maximum.  We can’t.  We need someone who can commit to twenty hours a week to learn the job and provide that much writing when fully trained.  That was clear in the interview and the understanding when she got the job.  Sounds like I understand it, right?  I think she did, too.  That didn’t stop me from feeling a whole lot of sympathy for her, from feeling her pain.  She’s a teacher, and neither school she worked for could promise a job next year, so if she doesn’t have the school jobs, and she doesn’t have us–then she has nothing (good thing she has a husband…).  Still.  It’s a tough gamble for her.  I told her she could re-apply if teaching didn’t work out, but I know how that goes–the company can’t promise that a position will be open.  I’ll be talking with MY supervisor today to see if anything can be done.

Maybe I’m not the one to deliver this kind of news.  Actually, I’m certain I’m not the right one to do it.  I like the nature of my work, and I like working with people.  It’s this corporate “management” thing that blows.  I’m too compassionate, too honest.  It left me feeling numb because I don’t want to hurt too much.  I don’t like feeling numb!  I don’t ever want to do this again.  Ugh…let me teach yoga.

I took another long walk with Dr. Maya the pup and spent some time talking to God.  By the time I turned for home, I had an old Boston song going through my head (oh Boston–favorite old band of mine to lift my spirits and show my age!)  This lyric struck home:

When I’m tired and thinking cold

I hide in my music, forget the day

And dream of a girl I used to know

I closed my eyes, and she slipped away

But I’m afraid the girl who slipped away was me.

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~ by rebuildingholly on March 5, 2013.

4 Responses to “And then there are the days that make you hate yourself”

  1. Sounds to me like you are the perfect person to deliver that news and the universe knew it.

  2. Catching up here, just saw this post. I would have felt the very same way. And yet, as you know, she was not doing the job she was being paid to do. I bet you did a very compassionate and professional job of it.

  3. I chose my words very carefully, and I do feel for her situation. But you caught the gist of it right. She was hired for 20 hours a week, but told us she could only manage a couple hours a week–until she replaces us with a full-time job. Still…I felt the same way when my husband taught me to hunt. I can accept my place in the food chain (as a meat-eater), but I don’t like being the one to pull the trigger.

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