Gray Matters

Sorry I’ve been so noncommunicative.  I tend to do that if I think I’ll bring someone down.  I don’t call my dad or my kids, and I keep to myself.  Being pensive doesn’t lend itself to lively conversation, and besides, I get tired and bored of wondering if I’m whining, whining again.  Someone told me recently, “I love your humorous side,” and I thought, “WHAT?  I have a humorous side?”  I need a good dose of Stephen Colbert to bring it back.

However, it’s been interesting and helpful to work things out in words, right here.  Remembering my vow to be honest and not really give a hoot how I’m perceived here in the relative anonymity of the blog, I’m slogging ahead, knowing something has to give (a.k.a. “there is something not quite right with my life and I have to make a change but I don’t know exactly what it is”).  It’s not desperation nor is it depression, but it’s…gray.

Ever since winter set in and the blasted clocks fell back an hour, I feel like I’m walking Maya, morning and night, into gray velvet.  It’s a good metaphor for this part of my life.  I still enjoy the walks, but I hardly know where I’m going, and everything looks the same right now.

It’s part of a lesson I so dearly need to learn.  I’ve mentioned before how hard it is for me to give up my agenda and let God/Providence/the Universe take care of matters as God does so well.  So now I’m letting go out of necessity because I’ve given up on the previous goals I’ve tried to force.  There are no goals left (occupationwise—that is, in how I spend the greatest part of my waking hours).  OK, and guess what.  It’s weird.  The last week or so since the unagenda took over my life has not sat well.  My foolish optimism continues to bubble up inside, but it has nowhere to go.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a time in my life without a specific ambition of some sort absorbing a good part of my attention and my dreams.  There is an unfamiliar, squirming void in my gut, and then…

There is another side to this.  I also have a feeling of calm and coolness (not that I’m cool or anything) starting to grow in me.  Some of my mental energy has been released from bondage.  And then it occurred to me (in yoga) that my only job is to be here.  How simple is that?  It works pretty well in yoga…Now, it’s not that I think I should live devoid of actually trying to do something with this gift of life, but for the time being, I’m going with this great experiment to see what happens.  I read once that sometimes our pleas limit our possibilities (though not exactly in those words)—that we limit what we can do by trying so hard to push our predefined agendas that we don’t allow to develop the greater possibilities that we can’t conceive.  Get it?  ME.

So I’ll walk aimlessly in this gray velvet for a while.  It’s soft and harmless, and I believe there will be lights in it.  I’m just not going to tell them where to shine.

gray velvet





~ by rebuildingholly on December 20, 2012.

6 Responses to “Gray Matters”

  1. I can relate this post so well.. I’ve been sort of half & half of late.. i notice when I just “let go” (mentally), and allow, things work out really good instead of when I try to make something happen the way I think it should be. (does that make sense?)
    so, let go!! and have a most wonderful holidays!!

    • Interesting, isn’t it? And difficult, but not as bad as it sounds. It just takes some getting used to.
      I remember when I was about 20 and I gave up trying to find a boyfriend. Two wonderful guys found me, and I ended up marrying one!
      The holidays will be great. We plan to totally relax–watch “Ted,” make cookies, visit and laugh. More of the perfect medicine!
      Wishing you the best, friend!…

  2. Don’t forget that when you wear gray velvet, you look cool—v e r y cool.

  3. It is when I am most stressed and about to lose my brains that people tell me “You are SOOOOO funny!” and it boggles my mind.

    I’m glad you come here. 🙂

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