All Good Things Flow from the Qube

yes, there is a world inside a cubicle--a very boring, constrained one

yes, there is a world inside a cubicle–a very boring, constrained one

It’s been a while since I’ve spilled my guts with a qube update followed by an etcetera update.  The time is right now that I have purged my system of politics.  Hurray!!!  That was truly a fart in a windstorm, but I’m grateful to WordPress for providing a slot for it.

OK, the Qube.  Work is secure.  There is always plenty of it.  So much so that I could spend ten hours a day wrangling commas, but I’m not paid enough for ten hours a day, so I don’t.  This product of mine, which I wrote the successful proposal for, had its public unveiling to (dear God it’s hard to stay anonymous here) potential customers/players last Friday, so I’m waiting for feedback from them.  I continue to be responsible for leading the content portion of the product, so it looks as if I may officially take that role in time. We’ll see.  The world of business is full of nasty surprises. As my buddy in the work on this product says, they will probably put someone in charge of it who hates us and doesn’t know a damn thing about what’s going on.  I’ll keep that in mind, because she is probably right.  Corporations can be cruel.  However, I am proud of my writing, which made this product become reality, when the concept had been tossed around for more than ten years.  Beyond that, I’m working hard on it and waiting to see how it evolves.

This buddy was recently the victim of my supervisor’s poison pen of persecution, though.  We thought the supervisor had greatly improved, but we were wrong.  Her e-mail of personal demolition came back with a vengeance, and she broke a very strong woman this time.  Don’t hurt my buddy.  I was on the receiving end of this for a while, but I called a meeting with the supervisor to find out what was going on.  She backed off me a bit after I confronted her.  However, I copied her nasty e-mails and made a file for them.  In fact, when she sends anything remotely off-base for the department anymore, I post it on my bulletin board as a reminder.  Those are becoming pretty amusing.  This supervisor had a reputation for getting people alone and tearing them down, from personality to work performance to even hairstyles, but the not-so-surprising truth is that she once had a supervisor who did the same to her.  It’s strange how that happens, but sad that a poor traditions continues.  She revealed to me the meanness of her past supervisor–and the fact that she has a file of HIS nastiness.  Deja vu!  I did not fess up to mine.    My co-workers (as opposed to cow-orkers, other skilled workers in the Land of Cheese) and I are building my buddy back up so she doesn’t buy the criticism that this supe dished out.  My buddy took a big marker and posted reminders to herself of things NOT to do at work, based on the supe’s e-mail.  That is my buddy’s little funny to keep her sane.  She is slowly but surely recovering.

Anyway, my situation at work reminds me of this quote from Lemony Snicket:

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”

I am basically a happy, optimistic person who enjoys life.  I’m just so lukewarm about this occupation, as you know too well.  Hey, there are people who make their living writing children’s books and doing art and making music.  I certainly hope they are making some bank doing something they actually enjoy, and I admit I am jealous!  Things just keep moving forward in odd fits and starts at work, and I don’t know quite where it is all going.  It has some semblance of success, but maybe not for me…

Other updates:

Maya the pup is turning out wonderfully.  Of course she’s a dog, so she has her quirks.  She’ll still eat dirt (or so it appears) when given the opportunity.  This is her damage from being born into the hellish hot summer, where the puppies, who mouth everything, would dig their way under the chicken coop as soon as they were let out of the kennel.  It was the perfect cool spot to save their very lives!  We are working on preventing Miss Ubersocial from running into the street to greet every passerby in order to beg for a belly rub.  Making some progress on that one, but we still have a ways to go.  On the bright side, she chews shoes and tables much less, has learned the meaning of the command “leave it,” and is a great walker for the ripe old age of six months.  She has found her salvation at the dog park, where she is the queen of running in circles and doing dramatic rolls when another dog bumps into her.  I was really afraid of taking her there, thinking it would be a regular dogfight arena, but it’s been quite the opposite.  I think she is a better grounded dog when she still speaks the language, because she’ll always be a second-rate human.  Oh well, I’ll take a first-rate dog anytime!

The major parts of our home renovation are complete.  It feels good to go through each room and think, the floors are good, the colors are nice, it’s decorated well…ahhh!  It’s about time!  We’ve been in this house for only 24 years, but raising kids on one or two small salaries can only go so far.  I’m comfortable now.

Now here’s the sad part, and you know it’s coming, because I’ve been in this serious rut (or is it a groove?) for quite a while and what I once considered a sense of humor has not been evident here.  I feel like giving up, and there is a good reason for it.  Not giving up on life–no, no, no, I’m way to frickin’ optimistic for that.  If only!  I’m tired of struggling.  It seems as if I’ve gone from Plan A (bitchin’ fitness app) to Plan B (Health and Wellness degree) to Plan C (freelance editing, which requires a master’s degree in bullshit to write a proposal that gets a second look, as well as the problem that you are competing with the WORLD to win these jobs…please refer once again to Exhibit A, the illustration of the world inside a cubicle) to Plan D (if I can’t help myself, I may as well help my son and try writing a grant proposal to get the kid some money for his foundation, which may actually do some good in the world)…lost track here…I went  from Plan A to Plan D in a matter of, say, 18 months.  Somewhere along the line I also toured an old church in hopes of acquiring the building to create a flexible space for meetings, art shows, receptions, clubs, classes, etc. (that’s why it’s flexible).  The latter is the dream that is nearest to my heart, because I think this town would really benefit from such a place, and it would be such a fulfilling occupation!  I will work on the grant for my son, though.  It’s a great challenge.

But I’m embarrassing myself with all my dreams.  I feel desperate (which, maybe, I am).  It seems that the harder I try to push my agenda, the more I’m thwarted/discouraged/yeah, I guess the word is desperate.  Many philosophies hold that you have to quit striving so much and give it all up, go with the flow…And that has probably always been my hardest struggle.  The Christians say to turn the issue over to God.  The Buddha said that the source of suffering is desire.  Ugh.  But it’s so haarrrddd.  I want, I want, I want, and I want exactly a different occupation.  Ooh.  My guts have spilled all over the screen again.

There.  Updated!

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~ by rebuildingholly on December 4, 2012.

6 Responses to “All Good Things Flow from the Qube”

  1. Wow, sounds like you and I swim in some of the same corporate seas.. While I personally have never been e-ttacked I know others that have and like you i tell them to keep a copy and firm up their spine..Ah, dreams and plans I have so many and know I would have to live 3 lifetimes to fulfill them all so I’m working on narrowing the list down to “things that can happen in this lifetime” and moving forward.. Fingers crossed for you and me 🙂

  2. Yes, the corporate seas hold many fish and a good share of sharks. I know you are moving forward, and believe me, I’m watching closely! Best of luck, my dear.

  3. B*tch supervisors…I had the queen of them. And smart enough to not put anything in writing…e or other. When people ask me if I miss my job I just smile and say, “Not one little bit.” The Maya update always make me smile…she’s gonna be such a good girl!

    • I think I had better luck with most of my male supervisors! The strange thing is that this one is doing the exact same thing that hurt her in the past, AND that we really truly thought she had gotten over this sort of persecution behavior, and then BOOM it’s back with a fury! I do think she’s a good person inside, which makes me start to question if the company promotes this type of behavior…I sure hope not. In most ways, it’s a great place.
      I’m glad you enjoy the Maya update. As a proud mama, I enjoy talking about her. She sure has changed in a couple months from hellpuppy to sweetheart. She also runs a good 5K with me a couple times a week. She’ll get me going farther yet!

  4. love the l.s. quote and your application of it.

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