Premeditated Awarefulness: An Update

Meditation = the antiblog.  I find that when I am blogging about my rebuilding adventures and other random neural firings, my brain just races from thought to thought like a moth on meth.  (Hah!  Bet you hadn’t noticed, right?)  Blogging is the perfect outlet for the normal racing pace of my brain.  Meditation, however, is difficult.  I’m trying, by not focusing on nothingness, to calm and empty my mind of everything, including all those words…Sometimes I swear I can actually feel my brain cooling off.  So far, I can calm my mind on about 25% of my attempts.  In every meditation practice, it’s a great break to sit and be quiet and awake.  Really, this is the opposite of how I’ve spent most of my life for the past 48 years.  I think I’ve become too much a master (to the point of being a mess) at multitasking.  Multitasking has not been good to me—it’s only a help when, say, drying clothes and not desiring to actually watch them spin in the dryer, so I do something else…In all other cases, multitasking has served only to fracture my awareness into itty bitty bits….Meditation lets all those bits blow away so the background picture shows again.

As you can tell, I am a bit familiar with meditation under different names.  In high school, I served as a guinea pig for one of my mom’s coworkers, a psychologist who was learning hypnosis.  I should never have volunteered as I found the experience of being (nearly) put under hypnosis to be very disturbing.  I am actually quite able to “slip away” when conditions are right, and I’d always have this sensation of falling into myself, but I did NOT like the idea that someone else would be pulling the strings while I was in that place.  My hackles were innately raised, and I called a halt to it after a few sessions.  In much kinder ways, I definitely “fall into myself” when I run long distances, sans dog or iPod (that’s rare anymore; I credit the iPod with increasing my fitness level substantially…just wanna get to the end of the Doobie Brothers song and then OH! It’s Trevor Hall!  I’ll run through this one, too…).  In college, I was required to take a half-credit stress reduction class (this was the 80s, ya know, and we were all poised to enter challenging careers and be tremendously productive and earn lots of bank $$$ Ha ha ha!  I always enjoy that memory…).  Anyway, I ended up in a class with an aging jock instructor who liked to get his nappies (those are short sleeps, not diapers, you Brits) on a regular basis.  He ran the class by playing cassette tapes that offered different stress reduction techniques, so we’d sit down in a darkened classroom and sleep or become stress-free or clear our minds or…Whatever it was, when it wasn’t sleep, it was bliss, and it was very freeing.  And then there was Lamaze and birthin’ those babies.  I was better at Lamaze when I wasn’t being cracked open like a walnut, but no matter what the approach, the effect was (for me) all the same: calm, clarity, letting in what’s outside, meditation.  I guess I’ll just keep trying, because I know I’ll fall back into myself more efficiently with practice, and I’ve had enough of a taste to know that I really want to do this.

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As for turning my attention to being and to my surroundings every 15 minutes (per an instruction I read), I’ve found that just isn’t practical.  It would be wonderful to drop back into myself that frequently, but my line of work means that I have to concentrate on a topic for an extended amount of time.  The fifteen-minute warning cuts into my concentration too much for the work I do.  My boss will soon take notice *shudder*.  Instead, I’m doing this on the hour.  So far, that’s it.  It’s a nice but odd break.  I like to become aware of my aliveness, but I really don’t want to take stock of the fact that I’m wasting so much of it in a damn qube, looking out a thick window at the woods just beyond.

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~ by rebuildingholly on November 3, 2012.

2 Responses to “Premeditated Awarefulness: An Update”

  1. You have NO idea how timely it was for me to read this post!
    And I love “awarefulness”. What a great word! 🙂

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