A Little Honesty and Some Big Doubt

I pledged when I started this blog to be honest at all times, not to have an agenda, and to use it as a tool to help me rebuild (or improve) my life at middle age. In doing so, I hope to help others rebuild their lives. Middle age is not a time to give in, but an opportunity to adjust one’s course as needed. However, I didn’t realize how much I’d go through mentally in so little time, and how some of what would dawn on me would be unexpected and maybe not what I wanted or even liked.

I put a lot of hope into getting a college degree in health and wellness as a way to help me move out of my present occupation in a corporate Qube and into a vocation (definition: a purpose to which you are called and have special skills). However, I knew it would add stress to a life in which I already had too little free time, so I met the beginning of my classes with anxiety, not joy. I figured the classes would be fun if I could approach them as a hobby, but they take far more time than a hobby. And there are new deadlines, and now I learn there are not even gaps between the classes–no breaks for me–not even on the vacations that I scheduled around what I anticipated would be the usual college breaks. I am sleep-deprived, fun-deprived, life-deprived…My sense of humor is usually what’s on vacation now. I already find it difficult to sit on my butt for eight hours a day. Sitting for another two hours at night is torture! In other words, my health and wellness studies are detrimental to my health and wellness.

Should I continue down this (college) path or adjust my course again? I can’t imagine living like this for another four to six years with only brief breaks. If I didn’t have to work forty hours a week, I’d be more likely to persist (ironic, isn’t it? the one thing I want desperately to leave behind prevents me from leaving it). If I had to do this for a year, two at most, and had a more definite carrot hanging at the end of that time, I’d be more likely to persist…Most of my health and wellness classmates have jobs in health already, but I’m grasping at nothing, starting from scratch (I’m an editor, for God’s sake!). My kids say to look into certifications as a quicker way to perform work in one of my passions and get out of the dreaded Qube Farm, so I am looking, considering. I am disappointed, but not done, and my eyes have been opened to many things in my short, expensive hobby. There has to be another way to rebuild the work part of my life…

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~ by rebuildingholly on March 21, 2012.

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